Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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