And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
