You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
