Ambien. No doubt about it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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