So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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