all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
this hospital has no fireball
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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