for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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