u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
