btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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