watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
