you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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