First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
