So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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