so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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