i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
