i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
