yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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