just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
