im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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