We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
COCAINE IS GR8
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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