a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
BRING THE BAGELS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
