I'm lost and stupid without you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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