i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
