Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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