A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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