I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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