I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
