420 ftw
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i now understand why vodka
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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