did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
