So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
