He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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