I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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