why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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