I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
