Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
