So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
