I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
