I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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