Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize