Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
