i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
