My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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