no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
