i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
