i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
