I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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