I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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