I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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