you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
