i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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