He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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