I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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