from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So squirting runs in the family.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
