First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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