yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
