awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.