I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us