You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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