i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
