The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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