I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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