plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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