I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?